White Lotus FanFiction
The official alternative ending
Hi y’all,
Although nowadays I’m known for my penetrating cultural criticism and sophisticated reviews of literature, like most zillenial1 authors, my online writing career started in ‘06, when I published my first NCIS fanfiction on FanFiction Dot Net.2
In that tradition, today I return to my roots and make good on my threat to turn this into a fanfiction newsletter, all while capitalizing on the hype surrounding The White Lotus. Next week we’ll return to our regular programing with a review of The Plains by Gerald Murnane.
First, I thought The White Lotus was terrifically written, filmed, acted, etc. It was great, it was beachy, it was bitchy, and it was fun, but it still left a (very pointed) bitter taste in the mouth.
Even though I’ve seen a million and a half “White Lotus Ending, Explained” articles pushed to me by places like The Cut, you would have to be pretty brainless not to understand what happened. (That’s not an insult to the show at all, obviously. Unless I’m sitting down to watch an art house film or The Bachelor, I want the messages of my film to be clear!)3 The rich (mostly white) people leave their vacation, and nothing has changed for them, even though everything has changed for the (mostly POC) staff of The White Lotus. There are no consequences for the rich. Their whole lives are a vacation.
Which is cool! The show expressed this idea in a clever way, in a way that felt very “true to life.” Cool.
Buttttttt. It’s still a little anti-climatic, especially because they teased the death in the first episode. I think there’s a way that the end could have still had the same political message, but have also had a more thrilling climax.
One of my biggest problems with the finale was Rachel. I FULLY expected her to become the Final Boss4 of the show. I’m sorry, you don’t spend a year engaged to Shane without realizing how obnoxious he is. Rachel always knew who Shane was, even if she didn’t want to admit it to herself. We saw her ask herself, “Did I marry someone who considers me a trophy wife?” (ie: ignores her own agency, pretends she was “fooled”) when really her question should have been, “Am I really the girl who marries for money?” (acknowledges her own culpability.)
And so I present to you, the alternative Book Notes ending. It mostly follows Rachel and Shane. Unless noted otherwise, all of the other characters (Belinda, Tanya, Armond) can keep the same plot:
It’s the final episode. Rachel wakes up, disgusted with Shane and herself. She heads to the spa. While she’s waiting for her facial, Olivia and a very shaken Paula walk in. Olivia (in an attempt suss out Paula’s involvement—or maybe just to watch Paula squirm) tells Rachel the whole sordid story of the Mossbacher vacation—the affair, the bracelets, the theft, the fight, the police… who are hunting down the thief right now. Paula shifts uncomfortably. This does not go unobserved by Rachel.
Rachel perks up. Could this be the beginning of a story? A scoop? Could she write about this for some dopey New York magazine? The Cut? Or maybe the new Gawker? Who knows?!
Either way, she heads back to her room, her earlier panic attack about Shane totally forgotten. She even tells him about what she’s heard. He places Chekhov’s knife. Whatever. She’ll deal with that later. It’s time to write.
But Shane is annoyed that she’s going to write, they fight, she basically gives the same speech she did in the real finale, but this time, it ends triumphantly: she will get A Room of [her] Own to write. She stomps out the door, Goyard swinging triumphantly on her shoulder.
At dinner, Rachel and Shane are yet again seated by the Mossbachers, a family that just loves to spill their guts. They find out from the Mossbachers that the thief was an employee, that he got arrested! Paula leaves the table, nauseous yet again.
Rachel’s not an idiot, she follows Paula, comforts her. Hears the FULL story about the robbery, about Kai, about how manipulative and possessive Olivia can be, about how awful and clueless the Mossbachers are.
Now Rachel is like, foaming-at-the-mouth excited. She can hardly hold back her smile in front of Paula. She rushes back to her table, saying nothing to Shane, maniacally typing on her phone. She begins to Tweet.5 And her Tweets are self-righteous, and they are angry, and they are everything that the at-home-couch-viewer herself wants to say about the Mossbachers. They are rich, white colonizers pillaging native lands! Their privilege makes them naive and ultimately despicable! She reveals everything about Kai and Paula, totally throwing Paula under the bus. But not only that, the Mossbacher marriage is in shambles! And what starts off as a self-righteous #cancelation becomes transparent gleeful gossip and cruelty: Nicole Mossbacher might act like she has it all, but really her drunk husband cheated on her and to this day won’t have sex with her!
The numbers are rolling in already. Shane is like, “Can you not do this on our honeymoon?” and she’s like, “I’m sick of your shit, I’m writing this.” He gets up and leaves, she’s still thrilled at the “likes” rolling in. She goes back to her room to work on the longer article, and to email the editors who are begging for the scoop. The audience understands: Rachel doesn’t actually care about Kai and the native Hawaiians. This #GirlBoss is an #OpportunistBitch in woke clothing.
Meanwhile, Shane kills Armond :(
Rachel wakes up alone. She’s feeling good. She sees the 40 missed texts and calls on her phone from Shane and from his mom. She doesn’t read them. Instead, smiling to herself, she puts on music and gets in the shower.
Which is interrupted by a phone call. Shane, I don’t want to talk! She snaps, about to start yelling, when a deep and calm voice on the other end interrupts her. She is being sued by the Mossbachers (of course). This is a rude awakening. She sits on the bed. Fuck. She never will be able to afford lawyers. That is… unless…
Meanwhile, the Mossbachers have “forgiven” Paula in the face of this bigger enemy: Rachel. Paula is visibly relieved that the Mossbachers aren’t going to sue her. Obviously they’re still pursuing charges against Kai, but that’s a concern for a different day.
Cut to the end scene, in which Rachel still meets Shane at the airport, Olivia and Paula still read their books, Nicole has a serious but polite conversation on the phone with a lawyer, and Mark looks just as lost as ever. Quinn still makes his mad dash to freedom. No one notices.
Okay, which writer’s room wants to hire me?
Let me know how you thought the show would end in the comments!
H.A.G.S. while you still can,
Book Notes
“Micro-generation” born in the 90s, on the border between Millenial and Gen-Z.
Yes, it is still on the website; no, no one has ever found it. You can try!
The punchline is that the other show I watched this week is Neon Genesis Evangelion.
A term from video games. It’s the last (and toughest) villain a player needs to defeat to win a game.
There’s probably a reason why she wants to Tweet rather than wait to publish an article. Maybe this already all hit local news, and Rachel is worried someone will pick it up if they realize who the “victims” of this crime are. Whatever, it’s unimportant.